Isinantabi

Sabi nga nila, masakit mahulog sa taong di ka naman kayang mahalin.
Ilang buwan lang kami magkakilala pero bakit ang sakit?
Sabi nga naman nila, wala naman sa taon ng pinagsamahan yan, buwan buwan, minuminuto, segusegundo, kaya kang mahalin kahit nasaan ka man.
Pero bakit? Bakit ang sakit?
Naghahanap ako ng mga salita na makakagawa ng isang tula tungkol sa pagibig natin na biglang nawala. Akala ko lang pala.
Akala ko lang nawala pero hindi. Hindi pala ito pagibig. Tinuturing mo lang pala ako gaya ng pagturing mo sa iyong kapatid. Masakit.
Akala ko ikaw na. Akala ko hindi na matatapos pa. Akala ko tayo na hanggang sa dulo ng walang humuhusga. Akala ko may forever na. Wala pala.
Sinundan kita, nagalala, nagpakatanga, hinintay kita. Hanggang sa maisip mo na nandito lang ako sa tabi mo sinusuportahan ka.
Sa unang araw na tayong magkasama, umasa ako. Binigyan ko ng kahulugan lahat ng galaw mo. Binigyan ko ng motibo ang pakikipagusap sayo. Binigyan ko ng dangal ang sarili ko kaya sabi ko “Ito na. Siya na. Wala nang makakapalit sakanya.” Ikaw ang naging mundo. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit buo ang aking pagkatao. Ikaw ang sumanib sa katawang lupa ko. Putangina pati sa isip ko walang tigil ka sa pagtakbo. Ikaw. Ikaw. Ikaw na walang preno sa pagpapatibok ng puso ko.
Ngunit dumating ang araw na nagkaharap kayo.
At eto ako naliligo sa mga mapagpanggap na luha na akala mo ay masaya para sainyo pero ang totoo nasasaktan dahil sa nakikita nito.
Nagkabalikan kayo.

Hanggang dito nalang ako

I composed this piece when my bestfriend and his ex-girlfriend finally got back together. I wasted 3 nights trying to come up with a way to let my voice out. I doubt my bestfriend would read this. But if a miracle happens, hi. This one’s for the two of you. I’m very honored to be your friend. I wish you all the best.

Di ko masagot ang mga tanong na “Umaasa ka pa ba?” “Mahal mo ba?” “Mahirap ba talagang makalimutan siya?” dahil sa isang katotohanan. Sa isang katotohanan na kailanman ay hinding hindi magbabago. Ang katotohanan na yun ay hanggang dito lang ako– magbibigay ng daan sa malawak na kalawakan na para sainyong dalawa lamang.
Sa dinami dami ng mga naging kaibigan, ka-ibigan, at barkada, bakit hindi ko nagawang makita? Bakit hindi ko nagawang pigilan ang aking damdamin? Hanggang dito lang ako, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Hanggang dito lang ako, susuporta sa ikakasaya mo. Bestfriend nga diba? Bes, okay lang yan magbabati din kayo. Bes, gagawin ko lahat mabigay lang ang deserving para sa iyo. Bes, pasasayahin kita kapag nagaaway kayo. Bes, paparealize ko sayo na walang nawawala sa taong naniniwala. Bes, nagmamahal ka at normal lang na maramdaman mo yan. Bes, mahal mo siya kaya ipaglaban mo. Bes, andito lang ako lagi para sainyo. Pero bes, ako ang nasasaktan kapag may nangyayaring masama sainyo. Bes, ako ang naiiwan mo ng magisa dahil nasakanya lahat ng oras mo. Bes, ako ang umiintindi pagnagkakaselosan kayo. Bes, ako ang nagpaparaya. Ako ang sumasalo. Ako ang nahihirapan. Ako ang sawi. Ako ang nawawalan ng bestfriend.
Noong nakita ko kung paano mo siya tinitigan mata sa mata, alam ko na. Talo ako. Nawalan nako ng bestfriend dati pero bakit nagulat parin ako sa nangyari. Hindi ko kinaya. Tanging ngiti lang ang naialay ko sa kabila ng gumuguho kong mundo. Bakit? Bakit ang sakit? Bakit parang nagiba ang tibok ng puso ko? Bakit nahihirapan ako ngayon?
Sumasakit, nagdurugo, naghahanap ng rason sa nararamdaman kong lason na unti unting pumapatay sa sistema ko. Hindi ko alam paano makalaya sa kulungang ito. Hanggang kelan? Hanggang saan? Alam ko naman. Tatanggapin ko nalang ulit. Tatanggapin ko lahat. Dahil iyon ang itinadhana sakin. Hanggang dito nalang ako kasi hanggang dito mo nalang ako mapapasaya at masasalo. Dahil alam ko iba na ang aalagaan at patatahanin mo. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na pagtungtong ng susunod na minuto, siya na lamang ang iyong mundo. Kaya salamat. Salamat sa lahat. Salamat sa mga araw na binigyan mo ng kulay ang aking buhay. At patawad. Patawad dahil hindi ko na kayang magpatuloy pa. Patawad dahil hindi ko na kayang maglakad patungo sa kawalan at sa kadiliman. Patawad dahil hindi ko kakayanin ang sakit. Oo. Tanggap ko lahat ngunit hindi ko tanggap na hindi kita kayang pakawalan kahit na kayo ay masayang naghahabulan at ako ay nadadapa sa tinatahak nating daan. Patawad. Magpapahinga nalang ako sa tabi. Hihintayin kitang bumalik. Sa kahit anong paraan. Kung hindi man, maghihintay nalang ako nang mga dadaan at tutulong sakin sa kabila ng kinikimkim na sakit at pagod. Ipagpatuloy niyo ang inyong paglalakbay ng magkasama at puno ng pagmamahalan. Iwan niyo nako. Gumawa kayo ng alaala nang wala ako. Malaya na kayo. Dahil hanggang dito nalang ako. Hanggang dito nalang ako.

18 Adventures

Roses are red and they bore me. No offense. They ARE beautiful and they ARE romantically perfect but I only use them as gifts for my family and friends.

Stereotypically, a coming-of-age party involves these pretty flowers but I’m not normal so I choose to create my own debut adventure along with God beside me and my mom and my friends and family.

I came up with having eighteen adventures instead of aesthetic flowers, candles, treasures and messages.

It has begun and I will update you soon with my posts!

With love and for love, Yna.

No Sense

We live in a world where everything is decided by the choices that were taken by the people before us. I am in a constant worry that when everything else’s dies, I die with them, leaving everyone suffer from the bad decisions I took. I couldn’t accept the fact that I can’t recreate my existence. I am nowhere, in a wrong time, trying to understand how vast life can be. The universe is a sacred place and I dishonor it again and again by being terrible. They say you can only be human once you learn how to exist. Maybe I am no human at all. The fact that I made no action to live without regrets concludes how much worthless I am. I need to be kind, humble, and patient. These traits are the way for me to love myself and yet I fail. I fail because I blame the people around me who made me like this. I fail because I drown into the thoughts of the past, never wanting to move on nor to accept rejection. I am shameful for those who harmed me are also harmed. I reciprocate the way they treat me. They treat me with disgust when they feel like it and they treat me with kindness only when they need me. It is a sad world. I tried and trying doesn’t change anything.
With love and for love, Yna.

A Not-So-Happy Father’s Day Letter

Before this day ends, I want to express my gratitude to the great father I never had.

I did it without you. With my grandparents paying for my school and granting my wants, fulfilling my needs, with my stressed mom giving me the best parenting on this stage of life and loving me til the end of time, I did it. Although not heroically but I still grew up into the best individual I could ever produce.

Well, not really.

I have a strong attitude of being spontaneous and this letter’s a mirage of what my soul has and what it did with God by my side and a few friends and books to help me get over. I never wished for a perfect life, only a contented one. This won’t and will neither express the bitter sadness in my existence nor will perform a shit-show about the dramatic scenes in my own broadway film. This is to give tribute to the father who, as I think I know, broke me more than for the last few years when I tried to reassemble my life into one of the most inspiring stories one could never wish for.

I know I’m a very difficult girl to understand but I trust you will. I am gradually on the state of losing my father’s mind over my spoiled rants but I’m proud of it. You ask why.

Because yesterday, I was finally a woman. He didn’t have to worry about me anymore. He didn’t have to think about my future anymore because he knows I can handle myself now. I’ve been on a ferris wheel who never goes around but only stays down. He was the cool guy you’d love to hang around with but never the guy you’d want to be with when you have a problem. He makes it worse. It’s the truth and I’m hurting his ego, well, you know how the saying goes.

But daddy, thank you. It was because of you that I learned how to handle myself without your guidance or anybody’s guidance at all. I learned how to become perceptive. I learned when to give up and not to give up. Though I don’t have many achievements in life, I’m still proud. I learned values and chivalry and respect by myself. Most of all, I learned how to appreciate people more than anything else.

If you think this is still a bitter letter, you wasted your time. But if you get my point, go on.

Today is the day I acknowledge myself as one of those strong-willed women and I will continue on being one because of the things you gave me no choice but to learn.

So I thank you.

It’s your day.

Live like a blessed man.

Hope for a better life for your family.

And when the time comes that you’d realize that I’ve become a beautiful person, I’d be there.

With love and for love, your daughter, Yna.

STOKED ALONE: La Union 2016

Yes, I was in La Union and yes, I was alone.

Travelling is a secret escape route. Going out of my comfort zone ironically gives me the satisfaction that life still goes on. I was feeling low and I needed to get away from all the bad vibes I’ve been breathing.

It started with a joke. I have this habit of joking with my mom and the places I wanted to visit. I challenged her that if I give her a detailed itinerary, she should give me the permission to travel to La Union. Surprisingly, after a few hours of research and coffee, I found myself giving in to the idea of surfing and beach and successfully winning the dare.

La Union is known for its surf schools. Most of them are located at Barangay Urbiztondo, San Juan, the surfing capital of the North. All resorts offer the same prices. For surfing lessons, they offer 400 pesos per hour, inclusive of the board(200/hour) and an instructor(200/hour). You can just also rent a board without an instructor. Believe it or not, I rented a board first, played with it, and with beginner’s luck, I actually caught a wave in my first try. Afterwards, I paid for an instructor because of my lack of talent in catching waves. Haha.

On my first day, I left Pampanga late so I arrived at around 5PM in Urbiztondo. Unfortunately, the rooms for two in San Juan Surf Resort(A.K.A. surf camp) are fully booked and the only available rooms are out of my reach. I spent the next minutes looking for cheap hostels. My plan B was to check-in at The Circle Hostel but then I saw a tarpaulin on the other side of the road that screams “TRANSIENTS/ROOM FOR RENT.” So there, I got a room with a kitchen, sala, clean comfort room, and a standard sized bed with aircon for just 800 pesos. I immediately went to the beach after unpacking.

There were no particular entrance fees to the beach unlike most resorts in the Philippines. I felt free going in and out the beach through Sebay Surf Central, a resort next to the surf camp. They have a restobar that overlooks the view of the sea. Lots of people are surfing, most of them are natives. The waves only appear in the afternoon. I was just in time for the sunset. After a quick dip in the sea, I immediately tried their restobar. The food was great. Prices were reasonable. And when you order rice, they give you a heart-shaped one! The night was cold and the stars are really visible so I stayed late by the beach.

I woke up the next day to catch the sunrise, only to find out that it doesn’t rise on that side of La Union. I was supposed to go to Ma-cho temple and Tangadan Falls but fever caught up to me so I went back to my room to rest the day and waited for the sun to shine high enough so I could get my tan back(one of my goals.) I took a three-hour dip before I slept til lunch and decided to eat in San Fernando. The city is busy considering it’s Election Day. Most of the shops are closed. When I got back to San Juan, I figured I should try Coast Call, the restobar in San Juan Surf Resort. It actually offers a slightly higher service quality than the Sebay restobar and I like that it produces an aesthetic vibe. Supposedly, I’d check out its surf shop but it’s closed. 😦

After Coast Call, I rented a board for 30 minutes. I caught two waves by myself. So proud! But then, as I mentioned a while ago, I lack talent in catching waves so I had an instructor, Kuya J. After a few safety lessons about what to do when a whitewash happens, we finally went to the water. The waves are little but I managed not to fall off my board. I ended the day with a hot chocolate and left La Union. I road a Partas bus to Dau and got home by 2AM along with memories worth a lifetime. It doesn’t end here though. I will come back.

With love and for love, Yna.

Thirstday Thoughts: Worrying Too Much

Maybe it’s just that he doesn’t want to be too attached anymore.

Yes, I’d like to think that. He’s a special friend to me but I was never to him. I care for his wellbeing and his future just like how I care for my friends. He may be a little comedic but that’s what makes me drawn to him. He jokes at serious times because he thinks it gets boring when he pushes his eyebrows together when things don’t go so well.

It’s been roughly three months. We’re not having a fling or some sort. We’re just naturally friends and we’re nice to each other often but a part of him grew on me and immediately, I swear, he’s the sweetest.

Or maybe it’s just me having a coincidental debate in my head on whether or not people fake things based on how I act with them. I’ve encountered so many people that I know when to stop and not cross the line.

He’s by far the perfect friend anyone could ask for. His girl is so lucky to have him. Although, I think he doesn’t have anyone right now but he treasures his closest friends like they’re his world and I’d like that because no one really appreciates my whole being.

And then there’s that cold-waking-water-splashing-in-the-face we call the “reality” which is not particularly kind to anyone at all.

He doesn’t speak to me unless necessary. He jokes around but that was intented for us. I want him to know I exists. I want him to joke around me only. I want him to treat me like I’m his world. It’s too much to ask but sometimes girls just can’t help it, don’t they?

So to my dearest kind friend, I’m gonna wish you all the best. I mean it. We may not cross paths once again after all these school stuff but I wish no harm will fall to you as you chase your dreams. Have a good life and stay healthy. If you need me, I’m always here. Know also that I want you to know me more. Do not be afraid of putting more strings in your life because I’d be honored to be attached to you. I hope you live with the idea of not having to stop caring about everyone. Do not leave people behind too, no matter toxic they are. I hope you can trust me as I trust you because nothing beats more than kindness and a light heart. Attachment is synonymous to commitment. And commitment is what binds us. Thank you and Godbless.

#WSFC2016 + Up Dharma Down

I was expecting lots of famous Pinoy streetfoods.

And I got Thai, Singaporean, and other Asian streetfoods in return.

With an unstable schedule, I risked my time to try this one out. I saw a tweet about an event in Bonifacio Global City, Taguig featuring Up Dharma Down, a famous OPM band, as one of its guests in this five-day food trip. I am a big fan of the band myself and not to mention, it’s free admission!

It started like this. We came to the venue and we saw a very long line that extends to the back. The waiting time wasn’t that of a hassle and we liked how the organizers handled their crowd surprisingly well as expected of BGC’s world-class standards(well duh, world congress nga eh.)  Once we entered the place, another long cue greeted us in the food stalls. There were different kinds of food everywhere from soups to barbeque to sundaes. The refreshments were very limited if you don’t have a plan to buy streetfoods. They offer water, beer in cans and sodas. If you’re planning to go there, food and drinks from the outside are not allowed. You should also shelter a minimum budget of 200 each food stall to really enjoy their food. They have 25 food stalls and the beverage stall.

It was around 7:30PM when UDD came out. Everyone suddenly went near the stage and spent the night listening to their songs while they eat and drink. They performed their trademark “Sana”, “Tadhana”, “Oo”, “Luna”, and some songs that brought out the emotional individual in us. Haha.

They ended their performance by 9PM with “Indak”. I think most of the crowd only went there because of UDD(and I’m one of those people.)

Our night was spent with beer without food. We did not finish the event since my friends aren’t allowed to stay late. The event says it ends by 11PM but we went home by 9:30PM. This ends here. Bonne journée, folks!

Ça Va?

 

While I was spending 4AM planning for the future, creating a blog site dawned on me because I’ve been making itineraries for travel and events. Recently I’ve been busy with dancing and I’m having a hard time catching up with my friends. Facebook has been a lot of hassle lately. So maybe this blog could be a way for people to keep up with my life.

I hope you can take care of me while I feed you with updates from my travels and lifestyle. I cannot promise you a healthy content but I can promise you a fulfilling one.

This blog will have my travel diary, thoughts, reviews, and hopefully, some inspiration. I think that would be all. Bonne journée!